Kau rasa?

Sometimes kau rasa empty bila suami jauh dari kau. Kau rasa takde protection, kau tak rasa belaian kasih sayang dia. Even though nowadays we did facetime every single day, he still wasn’t there. Out of your reach. Kau tak dapat pegang dia, kau tak dapat belai peluk dia. Kau tak dapat menangis di bahu dia. Dan dia tak dapat lap air mata kau.

Kau rasa?

Kau pergi kerja hari-hari. Dengar soalan yang sama setiap hari.
“Suami balik ke minggu ni?”
Well, screw that.
Aku jiwa sangat setiap kali dapat soalan yang sama. And how senseless they are questioning the same damn thing every day or week. Please create any thousand of conversations but not that, boleh tak?
But l know, it wasn’t their fault. It wasn’t mine either.

Kau rasa?

So now l’m 34 weeks pregnant, carrying our first child alone and keeping  strong isn’t a choice. Tapi sekali-sekala, deep down l’m crumbled, broken. Aku rindu. Aku nak dia ada bila masa aku sakit pinggang, sakit kaki bawa kandungan. Aku nak dilayan macam permaisuri macam wanita lain kat luar sana. Hormon lagi buatkan aku rasa rindu, senang menangis. Aku rasa kesian kat anak dalam kandungan aku ni. Mesti dia rasa apa yang aku rasa.

Kau rasa?

Aku dah lama tak blog. More than a year. But today, l really feel like writing longer instead of tweeting. I kinda miss this blog. It is part of my life since 2009. So here it is.

If l were to run away.

If l were to run away,
From unwanted place,
Broken hearts,
Awkward situations,
Shit people,

I will run into
Somewhere near,
But far to be reached,
Somewhere isolated,
Where l will find peace

I'll sleep all those sleepless nights,
Eat all that l want,
Play with all my might,
Cry all my heart out

If l were to run away,
I'll make sure no traces of me left,
I'll make sure people will forget me,
I'll make sure l won't be seen again

I'll walk another thousand miles,
Swim another thousand beaches,
Drive another thousand roads,
Climb another thousand mountains

Except where you may find me.

Ja ne.

Kimmy Ai is currently listening to : 30 seconds to Mars - The Kill

The Mysterious Monkey Man.

Hi there! How's the day? I hope you all enjoy your long weekends! Since I'm in Terengganu so Sunday is still working day! Haha Sunday blues here T-T So, I promised to story about the mysterious guy I'm engaged to in the previous post. 

Magic

The magic began to start last year in 2014 when I decided to return to Egypt earlier than everyone. For some reason (related to my past relationship with a guy before) I decided to go back to Egypt two weeks after Raya. That time, everyone (including me) feels it is weird to go back early as I didn't have reseat exams and convocation is still way too far on November. I don't know. I just followed my instincts. 

So after I arrived in Egypt end of August, I had nothing to do. Then I get close to the new warden of Malaysia Hall, mr. Zalaz and made some close connection with his family. I drove his family to Mansoura and Alexandria for sight seeing. And also around Cairo town.

Never thought that my instincts brought me to meet this old man.

In October 2014, I was in charge for a program Kursus Keusahawanan organised by Education Malaysia in Cairo and Alexandria (2 series). There are four guests, 3 of them were lecturers from UKM, and one from UPSI were invited to conduct the course . I was in charge as the committee for EME and at the same time I joined the course. In the last day of the course, mr. Zalaz asked me to bring the guests to sightseeing around Cairo. So I brought them sightseeing with one of my mate Syazwan. We get closer with the four lecturers as they were also easy to get along with. Before they went back to Malaysia, one of them, Tn Hj Jumaat asked for my phone number and asked me to not lose contact with them even when they were back to the hometown. 

That is not the end of the story. 

After a week they gone back to Malaysia, this old man Tn Hj Jumaat contacted me thru whatsapp. He asked a favor for me to meet his son and become his daughter in law!!! I was freaking surprised, shocked, and all. Like seriously, someone's father asked you to marry his son which you never knew. That's really RARE I tell you. But then, I agreed to get to know his son first and never promised anything to this old man. It was a humble favor so I can't turn down an old man's wish 100% right?

So, near the end of October, he (the old man's son) started to contact me through whatsapp. It was quite normal, I want to get to know him and vice versa. He's 29 years old, the first son of the family, and had a sister which is 2 years older than me. A family related man. A network engineer. Honestly I never understand his scope of job until now. Haha. He's quite normal except that he's way more mature than anyone else I ever met. 

The first time.

Mid of December, I fly back for good leaving Egypt in sweet memories. Arrived in KLIA, he picked me up as his dad had asked me to meet his mom at home. Waaa that was absolutely a new thing for me. I never had any chance to meet my exes' parents before. Plus, meeting a man you're going to be hooked up with at the first time. Haha. Haha. Haha. Too awkward! But, I acted cool all the way. I started the conversation first in the car, and finally we were like an old long lost friends, we get along too well! I met his mom and right at that time, I fell in love with the family. I felt that I already belonged to the family. They cared for each other, and me. I never felt the sense of belonging like this before, except with my mom. 

The question.

End of January, his mom started the serious conversation with me. She asked if I agree to be with him. I just said 'Yes'. I won't ask too much. If the parents are alright and the man is strong to take care of me, I won't ask for more. This is more than enough for me. I feel blessed to know this family and him. :)

15 February 2015, his parents came to Terengganu to meet my mom to ask for my hand in marriage. Things are going smoothly. My mom agreed to my choice. It was the best choice I ever made, she said. I feel Blessed. I'm grateful to God for this chance I have. 

So last month after Eid, 25 July 2015, I'm finally engaged to the monkey* man, Mohd Ridhwan. Alhamdulillah. We'll be engaged for 1 year, expecting that our wedding will be on August 2016, InshaAllah. I'm happily looking forward to my new journey with him. Pray that this relationship will lasts forever. :)

Till then, ja ne!

*He has long hands, so I called him monkey. :p

Kimmy Ai is currently listening to : Style - Taylor Swift

WEDDING SHOES- TIPS TO PICK THE RIGHT SHOES FOR YOUR WEDDING

Hey guys! Today I'm going to share something which is very interesting about how to choose the right shoes for your BIG wedding day! Since I'm also preparing for my own wedding next year, it might not be exaggerating to do early research for wedding attires right? :)

Every woman dreams of having the perfect fairytale wedding since they were little girls. Even I do. Wedding dresses, invitations, catering, wedding dais, cake decorations are the most crucial subjects in the checklist, and NOT TO FORGET, wedding shoes. However, picking the right wedding shoes is a definite must as you want to have a splendid time on your special day. No one will ever want to walk in painful shoes on the big day of your life. You will never imagine how hard for you to fake big smiles to your guests while your every steps means PAIN! 

Therefore, it is very crucial for women to apply these few tips to make sure you pick the right comfortable wedding shoes. So here's some tips :

Match the theme

Usually people match wedding shoes with their dresses. Sometimes we may fall in love with a perfect pair of shoes that do not match nicely with the dress. Do not make the mistake of mismatching the wrong looking shoes with your dress. Make sure you spend your money on shoes with the similar fabric of your dress or put it side to side if it looks nice together. So does the color. Do not apply color block or opposite to the color of the dress, it might look weird.

                   

                           

Safe 3 inch

Keep versatile, stay safe. The 3inch heel size will be the comfortable height and you can walk in it for the entire day without having the risk of tumbling down. We should never let photos of shameful moments be posted on social media ain't we? Petite girls will think the higher the better but it will be a huge risk to handle killer high heels on your wedding day. Just my simple advice, do not choose higher heels as you will never stand to greet all your guests standing for 3-5 hours. Enjoy a safe choice and be in the moment celebrating your love story.

                             

Pick a strap

Strap shoes always look classy and never fade. It provides you great stability and easier to walk in. No bride would want the embarrassment of wearing shoes that can fly off. For example, if you still want to wear killer high heels to look tall and slender on your big day, then it is highly recommended to wear a strap shoe for comfort. Single thin strap above the ankle would be my choice. 

Last but not least, pick your wedding shoes which will makes you look elegance and classy, not too over. A pair of good shoes will walk you for a thousand miles. So does your wedding fairytales. Avoid being in pain right after your wedding event is over. You still got a pair of honeymoon flight tickets waiting!

       

Tilł then, adieù.

Next Stage.

Assalamualaikum,

Lebih kurang setahun selepas aku punya last post! Pergh. Bukan busy sangat tapi kadangkala aku terlupa untuk menulis disini. Memang terlalu banyak cerita untuk aku tulis. Dan terlalu banyak perubahan yang aku hadapi sepanjang setahun ini. Yang manis, yang pahit, semuanya ada. Alhamdulillah. Akan ku tulis satu per satu later on maybe dalam bentuk throwback. InsyaAllah. 😊

Syawal masih belum hilang auranya. Jadi belum terlambat untuk aku ucapkan Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri Maaf Zahir & Batin kepada semua pembaca. Raya kali ini Alhamdulillah walaupun tak semeriah zaman aku kecik2 dulu tetapi masih segembira dahulu bersama family yang tersayang. 

Next stage in my life ye. Ada dua yang paling besar. Firstly, offer letter untuk penempatan as a Dental Officer dah sampai setelah 5 bulan penantianku. Alhamdulillah dapat di Terengganu. Aku masih diizinkan untuk tinggal bersama ibuku. Aturan Allah itu sangat berhikmah.

Yang keduanya, pada 25 Julai baru-baru ni, aku dah selamat bertunang dengan seorang jejaka misteri! Kahkah. Sebab apa misteri? Sebab aku akan ceritakan nanti macam mana aku kenal dengan jejaka misteri ni. Kerana pertemuan aku dengan dia ni juga sangat berhikmah dan sangat magik. Magik yang diberikan oleh Allah kepada aku. Alhamdulillah. Syukur dengan nikmat Allah kerana dipertemukan dengan dia dan keluarganya. Akan diceritakan lagi later on. Takleh expose sangat nanti jadi panjanggggg ceritanya. 😉 

Till then, Ja ne!

                                        

                                               belanja gambar tunang la satu hihi. 🙈

Kimmy Ai is listening to : Rythm of Love - Plain White T's

Nothing Box and Hurricanes.

Assalamualaikum.

I've read somewhere in social media about how men and women differs in the way they thinks. It says that in men's brain, they put everything in different boxes. They have the box for their parents, study, friends, lover, money..etc. So when talking with men about one box, you should not touch another box until it settled first. 

Unfortunately, men have this particular favourite box which women really hate. It's the 'Nothing' box. Do you ever experience of having to watch your man just laying on the couch for several hours, doing nothing, and when you're nagging them, they just listening without saying anything. Literally, they do nothing, think about nothing. And women really hate when they start to sit in this 'Nothing' box. 

When it comes to women, their brain are like wires which connects everything together. There are always a connection to everything. That is why women will touch every boxes in men's head because they will think that there are connections in everything. It sounds too real, right?

But I think, I do have the 'Nothing' box in between the wires in my head. It is because this is how I am now. In these past few days, I've been laying in bed for hours doing nothing. Losing appetite, watching the ceiling continuously, that is how I am. Just listening to my own heartbeat. But in my head, there are hurricanes and storms happening. All wires are stuck, blocking all my senses. 

I don't know what is really happening to me. 

Ja ne.

Kimmy Ai is currently listening to : Jason Lo - Operator, The Line Is Dead.

But now I found you different 

You broke up all the walls in my head

Please don't go

Let me go

                       

Aidilfitri 1435H.

Assalamualaikum. 

It's the last day of Ramadhan 1435 H. I'm still feeling unwell due to moderate fever and running nose. So I'm now in my hometown, gave a big surprise to my mom with my presence this Aidilfitri. I feel like Its a waste if I don't celebrate with her this year. It feels like this will be the last Aidilfitri for us. Well, everytime I had this kind of feeling. Makin besar, makin rasa insecure and negative thinking always disturbs me. 

In spite of that, I still prepare for celebrating Aidilfitri moderately. I bought 2 new clothes, a yellow colored Baju Kurung and a purple maxi dress. Lebih daripada cukup dah tu. This year, I will try to change my style a little bit, more to the brave and elegant style. Last year, emmm I basically forgot my own style hahaha. 

I found my new fashion inspiration icon which I came across in Instagram named Indah Nada Puspita. She is incredibly beautiful, her fashion sense is perfect. She's brave enough to try different styles on her, which attracts me everytime. But eventhough she's my fashion icon it doesn't mean that I will follow her style completely. I have my own principle in my dressing. I love wearing simple thing and it shows my personality well.

Okey, back to the Aidilfitri mood. This year, yeah like every year before, we will have Laksa Penang as the main juadah for the first Syawal. My mom never fails preparing it since I started to remember. I will drive her to our second home at Kampung Batu Tiong, Dungun where all of my mom's remaining siblings reside.

I don't know if I'll have the chance to meet my father this Raya. I wish my I can meet him at least once before I went back to Egypt soon. 

Last but not least, I hope that I will still have a long life to celebrate Ramadhan and Aidilfitri with my family for the next yearsss from now. 

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri Maaf Zahir & Batin.

Ja ne.

Kimmy Ai is currently listening to : Linkin Park - Leave Out All The Rest

When my time comes

Forget the wrong that I've done

Help me leave behind some

Reasons to be missed

And don't resent me

And when you're feeling empty

Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest

Leave out all the rest

Don't be afraid

I've taken my beating

I've shared what I've made

I'm strong on the surface

Not all the way through

I've never been perfect

But neither have you

So if you're asking me

I want you to know

Deep Heart.

iAssalamualaikum.

What a long hiatus. About one year after my last post. Seems like I already dead from the blogging world. No. I'm still missing to write here. It's just that the timing didn't coincide with my mood. Only few people understand what I mean, haha!

I already finished the final exams of the final year. It was a tough year for me. Time is running like a horse this season. With tough syllabus and practical skills. And while I have to keep my brain intact without stress. It's hard to control myself with my special ability. It's like you want to do more with your strength and there's just something that chained you down. So I decided to not work too much stress in me, and play low and safe. 

So last night I went to Iftaar at Zara's place with Madihah, Tyra, Sumayyah, Suraya, Zati. It's a special day that I got the chance to meet Zara's mom, which I've met before when me and Zara were housemates. And I met old friend Munira which i haven't seen her for quite awhile. And we started sharing stories about ourselves. 

And then it started when I open the story of myself. I told them how I describe people in my own way. I don't know that the way I describe people is very different from others did. I describe people based on a story captured inside my memory. Like for an example, if someone asking me to describe my friendship with Zara, I will say, she is someone that held my hand and walked together when we were going back from school in the middle of the spring like, 3 years ago. Then Munira said I'm deep. And she was like superficial that she describes Zara in one word : Cool. 

I'm like, I don't know how to describe someone with one word. Because I have this personality of having my feelings attached to everything that I care. Even if its an iron. Yesterday I when I was geting ready to go out, I found out that the iron was broke. And I'm feeling sad about it. I don't know if it is normal or I'm just quite different from people. But I know one thing about myself. I have a big heart. Yes. Thank you. 

And we talked about how I open my heart a chance to accept a person which I never liked before, and they say, "You're too kind to give people chance!" But, I don't know, I just think that everyone deserves a chance to be dear to me. I believe in "What you give, you'll get it back" in everything I do. I give people a chance so that one day I'll get it too when I need it. Eventhough at a very first impression I was not moved at all to the person, but then I try to give a chance to hear, see and feel more about them, and I will get the real idea about them. I don't judge, I feel them. I will always try to see the good in everyone. Because I want to be treated the same way or maybe better. And I don't want to regret later if I missed someone that as great as I'll never came across again in my lifetime. 

So they described me in one word : Deep. Yeah, I know I'm deep and I will always be like this forever. And I love myself for being like this. It is like a treatment for my heart so that I'll never think negative of things. 

How I describe myself in one word : A Crybaby. I always am. :)

        

Kimmy Ai is listening to : Let Her Go - Passenger

"You only need the lights when its burning low,

You only miss the sun when it starts to snow,

You only know you've been high when you're feeling low,

You only hit the road when you're missing home,

You only know you love her when you let her go."

Salam Ramadhan. Ja ne. 

F**k Technologies!

Assalamualaikum.

About the free laptop for primary school students, I kindly disagree because I saw these two devils always play games and not study at all. Seriously, during my time, I didn't know what is Zuma Deluxe, Plants vs Zombies, etc, etc.

What I'd played when I was a kid, catching lizards and burn them with fire crackers, play masak-masak with real fire, stones, leaves and my mom's periuk lama, catching a kind of insect that we called 'kunyit' (I don't know their scientific name) and tied their tiny leg with benang and let it fly like flying a kite, and also I do played kites and 'wau' with my brother, play 'bola katok' (like baseball), building forts out of big cushions and 'selimut',  'buah getah', 'bola tin', 'baling selipar', hide and seek, jump into the river near my house, fishing, and also playing with leeches, snails and many tiny creatures. What I want to say is, we're out of technologies. And we study in school without technologies, but we scored with flying colors.

Because we never waste our times with technologies.

Didn't they see kids nowadays wasted their times with Facebook and games, and rarely we see that they use internet for searching information and knowledge, except during making assignments. Well, there might be more useful reasons to use technologies in school and home (for kids), but I always see disadvantages. So, I still disagree.

Hmm, am I wrong or I didn't see it in the same light of yours? =3

In my hometown~

Assalamualaikum~

Sekarang aku sedang berada di katil empuk ditemani bantal busuk dan sebijik laptop. Dan juga sekotak besar koleksi komik-komik jepun dan gempakstarz yang aku kumpul sejak dari sekolah menengah. Dan tak lupa lagi, cuaca yang panas tapi diselangi hujan di petang hari. Oh, heaven!

Berbeza dengan tempat aku menimba ilmu, dengan cuaca yang bersuhu 40 darjah dan kesesakan lalulintas yang tak pernah reda dan perangai manusia yang kurang sabar. Jauh sekali perbezaannya daripada di sini.

Cuti akhir semester dijangka lebih kurang 3 bulan (actually tak sampai pun) ini aku ingin habiskan dengan waktu-waktu berkualiti sama ada di rumah ataupun di luar. Ingin aku habiskan masa bersama keluarga dan juga sahabat-sahabat lama yang masih berhubung denganku, tak lupa juga untuk orang-orang yang tersayang. InsyaAllah.

But, I'm still working to figure out what's the first thing to do right now. Yeah I'm already arrived for about two days already and still not figured it out. *sigh* I planned to take things slowly, like meeting with friends a little bit later because I still haven't had enough in home. But, somethings came up. Suddenly my mother insisting on having me take a part time job as a primary school teacher, or such. I'm not actually against it because I do want to have an experience of being a TEACHER litrerally.

This idea actually came out last night when my mother and I were looking for my niece and nephew's homework. My mother seems like having fun seeing me in trouble being with the two tiny devils helping them to finish their homework. And there's some things that made me freaked out ;

"What actually you two learned in school?"
"Why these a-piece-of-cake mathematical problem (DIVISION) and Arabic language homework seems a big trouble to you?"
"And why the heck that government nowadays gave a free laptop to all primary school students just for me to see that they play games unstoppable?"

Okay, these questions will be forwarded in the next post I fear, because I don't like mixing a few things in a post. So, I'm still thinking about taking a job as a teacher, or just playing around without any time-fixed things. Huh. Hard to decide. =.="

Ja ne!

According to you.

You can think I'm stupid.

You can say I'm full of excuses.

You can talk harshly.

You can say what you want.

You can lie as much as you like.

You can say I'm dishonest.

You can think I forget you.

You can say I put you behind my study, career and interests.

You can say I'm easy to fool.

You can say I don't know what I want.

You can say I'm shameful.

You can say I'm not gentle.

You can make the frown face as much as you want in front of me.

You can say I ignore your words.

You can think I'm playing behind your back.

You can think I'm not trustworthy.

You can say I'm hard to deal with.

You can answer my questions half-heartedly.

You can say I'm not good enough like other women.

You can think I'm a liar.

You can say I'm too full of myself.

You can say anything you like out of me.


One thing for sure,

For me, you're worth every tears and smiles you've made me.

Kiss the rain.

Assalamualaikum.

This is another post during the final exam of my pre-clinical year of Dentistry. Five papers already down, there's still six more to go. Wish me luck ya!

It is hot summer season now in Egypt. And I can't escape myself from sun burns and dryness. Its not that I hate the sun and heat. I just love rain, snow and cold better. It describes my mood perfectly.

I have some ways of describing moods and feelings by using the four seasons.

The summer is heat and dry. In some places where near the sea, there's a pleasant breeze while the sunny shines through, giving a passionate and direct feeling.

While in autumn, when looking at the scenery of falling leaves, some feeling of melancholy resides. Imagine you walking in a street lined with trees and along the street, leaves keep falling from the trees and showers you, accompanied by moderate wind, and the sound of the leaves colliding between themselves. The feeling of sadness may appear, like the feeling of those trees that lose their leaves, the feeling of losing something important.

Winter. Snow. Cold. The feeling when the small particles of the fragile crystals fall onto your lip, then melts suddenly into a drop of cold water. It is like a cold version of tears falling from the sky. The gloomy clouds, the cold winds, describes perfectly the feeling of coldness, silence, pure, white, and innocence.

As in spring, the joyness and happiness showered. It is shown by the colourful flowers coming out of various plants. Giving happy feeling, and love. Like the feeling of accepting a bouquet of flowers from the person you love.

And I would like to add another season that exist throughout the year in my hometown. Its rainy season. It comes starting from November until January and it is popular being called North-East Monsoon (Monsun Timur Laut). It rains a lot too in March, June and August. I really loves rain. I love the feeling of walking under the rain without umbrellas. Nothing to fear of, nothing to care of, just letting go and let the rain wash away the uneasy feelings. And I too love the feeling of waking up realizing it was raining and then continue sleeping in the blanket. Heha, my favourite. :D

While living in this land where the amount of raindrops could be counted by fingers, makes me really miss the rain, and my homeland. Although there's winter season, but still can't compensate with the miss of the rain.

I miss you the most when thinking about the rain, because the rain reaaally describes you perfectly. ;)

Kimmy Ai is currently listening to : Hujan - Ku Mahu Kau Tahu

Di sudut termenung jauh
Mengenangkan nasib kita
Kita miliki separuh
Berbentuk hati cinta namanya

Walau kau jauh
Ku sentiasa menunggumu
Inginku imbas kembali memori
Walau kau jauh
Ku berjanji kan terus tunggu
Dipisah lautan biru
Ku mahu kau tahu
Aku kan terus menunggu

Jaga benar gambarku dalam telefon bimbitmu
Jangan pernah sekali kau buang
Seperti cinta ini yang terbuku
Akan bersemi jua

Terus menunggu
Kita kan bersatu
Terus menunggu
Ku mahu kau tahu

Soul of Studying.

Assalamualaikum.

Actually, there's no purpose of me writing today. I was supposed to read Prosthodontics as the exam will be on Wednesday but it seems like I don't step on the right mood to face those books. *sigh*

There are several things that ruins my peaceful state of mind. Don't know how to get rid of them. *sigh again*

But, thinking of how far I've been through this torture of stu-DIE-ing, it's been a while since I have a reason to put a goal to the game. I had it once during my SPM, and I achieved it even though it was bloody hard. But, since then, I had no idea why I stopped working hard. The same goes when I was in matriculation. Although I have a quite big, rigid reason why I should put 4 Flat in my pocket, then again, I made it fell into the trash can, rather than my own pocket.

Then I came here. Still the same did happen. I know I'm a person who lacks motivation in studying. It's not hard to change, but my heart didn't allow me to. It's freaking ironic, but I myself hated the lack-of-motivation-and-enjoyable ME. I actually hate looking at those paranoid students who had no live to spend on but studying. "They should open their mind to another things too! There're so many important things you should take care of rather than just make love with those books!" *Ehem, pardon my retard brain*

Then again, I didn't play too much, yet didn't study like dying too. I love to play safe. BUT, I know that's a dangerous thing to do. You'll never know when the hurricanes will come, you'll never know when the earthquakes will strike. I too, would love to play with something dangerous and risky.

Until one day, someone did successfully hit my comfort zone. That one really did toss my calm side. That person really put thunders and storms inside my brain. The one that can shake my ego. Wait, since when did I have the ego? Yes, since I met that person I learned that I too have the ego in myself. That person too made my head spinning and my heart to ponder. It makes me realize that there's such a person who would make my world upside down actually exists. The person that makes me FINALLY revived the soul of studying that have been kept frozen in the depth of the ocean of my heart.

And then, why did only this person? Why did not another people can do this? Why this freaking person? *sigh*

To that person, you dare to pull the soul out, but don't you dare to play with it and turn it down again. It's hard for me to deal with this itchy feeling that makes me want to pull the nerve out when facing exams (which I usually never felt nervous in any exams before). And I dare you to put up with my calmness. I might kill you with my silence.

Okay, done writing. Now let's give this book some 'lessons'. Heh.

Kimmy Ai is currently listening to : Someday I Will Understand - Britney Spears

2 10 11

Assalamualaikum~

Final Exam will start on 6th May until 18th June. Haih. God, please help me to remember all that I've read. :)

It's 2nd May. It's been 7 months already. The memories of me looking in those eyes still fresh. It felt like we've parted since just yesterday. But time flies faster than I thought. Time moves, distance kept, and memories never faded.

I still remember his distant eyes. Like he's in another world of his. In that place, I only watched him being silent. He rarely talks; rarely smiles either. But I'm comfortable with him being like that. As he walks slow, I watched contently. I really don't wanna miss any sight from him. I want to remember his every actions as much as I can, because I know we'll be separated.

His beautiful eyes, captured my sight. His height, makes me wants to stand tall. His soft acts makes me feel warmed.

Thinking about him makes my heart wants to explode. 

Yes, I remembered everything about him. But, does he remembers it too?
 

Surat Cinta Buatmu Ibu

Assalamualaikum. :)

Kehadapan mak yang sentiasa diingati dan dirindui.

Apakah khabarmu disana? Anakmu ini masih seperti biasa. Masih mencari-cari erti 'Manusia' yang sebenar. Walaupun anakmu jarang menyampaikan khabar berita dek kerana jauhnya perbezaan jarak dan masa, tidak pernah sesekali anakmu lupa akan kewujudanmu.

Anak selalu tahu yang mak sangat merindukan anakmu ini. Anak harap mak dapat bersabar menghitung hari. Sudah tidak terlalu lama untuk anak kembali dari medan perang. Anak mohon doa daripadamu mak, semoga anak dapat pulang dari peperangan ini dengan kejayaan. Sesungguhnya anak sangat percaya di setiap kejayaan yang anak perolehi, semuanya hasil doamu yang dimakbulkan Allah. Sungguh, Allah sangat menyayangimu mak. Anak tau itu.

Apakah buatmu disana? Sunyikah tidurmu sendiri, mak? Masihkah tangan lembutmu gagah menggalas tugas seorang ibu? Memandangkan anak sudah meningkat dewasa, sudah semakin kurang beban yang ditanggung oleh mak. Akan tetapi, anak sedar kerisauan yang mak tanggung makin bertambah seiring dengan umur anakmu ini. Apakah khabarku disini, cukupkah makanku disini, selamatkah tempat tinggalku disini, dan macam-macam lagi kerisauan yang sering bermain difikiran mak.

Mak, anak mohon keampunan dari mu, andai kata anak terkasar bahasa, tersilap perbuatan. Anak sedar, yang mak tau akan kedegilan anakmu ini. Kedegilan yang teramat, tapi masih belum melampaui batas. Anak harap suatu hari nanti mak faham perasaan anak. Seandainya mak tahu apakah sebenarnya impian anak, pasti mak akan menangis kerana tidak mampu menunaikan impian anak, kerana sudah takdirnya Allah jadikan anak seorang perempuan.

Anak sebenarnya sangat ingin dilahirkan menjadi lelaki, kerana anak ingin berbakti kepada mak sampai mati. Anak takkan teringin untuk belajar jauh-jauh. Anak akan sentiasa berada di sisi mak untuk melindungi dan membantu mak. Anak tak kisah jika belajar tak tinggi tapi anak kisah jikalau anak tak dapat membantu mak walau sikit pun. Kerana anak tau apa yang mak rasakan selama ini. Anak tau mak berpura-pura gagah, mak berpura-pura tabah, supaya tidak terlihat oleh anak-anak akan kesedihan dan kelemahan di dalam hati mak yang paling dalam. Sebab itulah anak sangat ingin berada di sisi mak. Tapi apakan daya...

Mak, bukan anak tidak mensyukuri nikmat Tuhan. Bukan anak ingin mempersoalkan takdir yang telah Tuhan letakkan di atas hidup anak, cuma anak ingin luahkan apa yang anak rasa. Anak bersyukur kerana dijadikan sebagai seorang wanita, pastilah anak dapat memahami hati mak.

Mak, doakan kejayaan anak di sini. Anak mohon halalkan segala pengorbanan yang telah mak berikan kepada anak daripada anak dikandungkan sampailah sekarang. Halalkan makan minum anak, halalkan duit rumah dan letrik dan air yang anak gunakan, halalkan duit belanja sekolah anak, halalkan pakaian dan buku-buku pelajaran anak, halalkan minyak kereta yang mak guna untuk hantar anak ke sekolah, halalkan barang-barang yang pernah anak rosakkan, halalkan susu yang mak beri untuk anak, halalkan tempat rahim mak yang anak tumpang tinggal selama 9 bulan, halalkan segala kerahan tenaga dan peluh yang mak keluarkan ketika menjaga anak, halalkan segala air mata yang mak keluarkan ketika menjaga anak semasa anak terlantar sakit dulu, dan halalkan setiap segala yang menyusahkan mak sepanjang kewujudan anak.

Terima kasih mak kerana menjaga anak sampai sekarang. Anak sangat bersyukur dan bangga punyai seorang ibu seperti mak. Anak sayangkan mak. Terima kasih, mak.

Anak.

A Complete Loser Like Me.

Hey, wake up. 

Get a grip on yourself.

You know you have nobody on your side. 

A complete loner.

A LOSER.

Revenge? 

Don't utter even a word about revenge when you can't even get a grip on yourself. 

You're too depending on your heart.

Later it will turn your life into disaster. 

You can go on, assuming that you've woke up, turning 180 degrees from your will.

But that's not enough. 

You didn't froze your heart.

Because you really don't know that you're standing near a cliff.

Anytime you can fall off the cliff.

They love it when you cry.

They happy seeing you down.

Behind their sweet smile lies beneath their hatred towards you.

Yes, they're jealous.

Huh, you already know right?

But why you let yourself still?

Why don't you defend yourself?

It is your fault.

Because you didn't froze your heart.

You keeps giving all your useless heart towards them.

To put in a simple word, you care others hearts more than your own. 

A stupid person will always do that.

You're the stupid one.

Really, nobody's on your side now.

Because you keeps lying behind them. 

Why did you lie? 

Why turn yourself a bad person when you're not?

Ah, actually you're already tired of acting tough lately, no?

You're tired of being seen as an independent woman where you can do anything you want without any help.

Seeing a tough person down, haha, that's the most amusement thing to look forward to.

You know that too, right?

You should take care of yourself more.

Burn all those black memories.

You should learn to ignore those whom ignored you.

You should stop giving too much when what you get was only disappointment.

You should start to love yourself more. 

Learn to say no, when they ask what you can't.

Learn to say stop, when they continue making the fool out of you.

Learn to smile a lot, when they're getting on your nerve.

Then wake up and fight.

You have nothing to lose. You have nobody to lose.

You are actually have nothing.

You're just always lucky, the luck charm always with you. 

Your mother's prayer, that is.

You should know that you will lose everything sooner or later.

So don't have any regret to fight.

You are too good to be called a loser.

You know you're the chosen one to feel all these tests.

You're very special.

Don't let someone unworthy take you down easily.

You know you're strong. 

If not, you wouldn't dare to spit on yourself right now. 

You should put more effort.

You should turn 360 degrees around.

Have a look at their hateful faces.

Remember to always keep your smile on.

Let them know who they're picking on.

Don't let them call you LOSER anymore.
You know you're not.

Wrapped.

Assalamualaikum~

Sudah sebulan lebih aku tak menulis.  Recently, aku berada di tahap motivasi yang sangat rendah. Susah betul untuk aku ke kelas awal pagi. Biasanya aku hanya akan sampai ke kelas untuk waktu subjek kedua dan keatas. Sukar untuk orang nampak muka aku di kelas pertama. Bukannya aku tak bangun awal, biasanya sebaik saja masuk waktu subuh aku dah celik mata, tetapi untuk melangkah keluar dari ARMA tersayang ni... Phew~ Sabar, aku sedang maintenance diri sendiri. Asalkan takde orang buat motivation aku down lagi, it's ok.

Ape aku buat masa winter break yang lepas? Aku melancong ke France selama 5 hari bersama lagi 3 sahabat sekuliah aku. Heh, biasanya sebelum aku pergi mesti wajib aku bising kat sini kan? But aku tak sempat pun nak menulis sebelum berangkat. Dengan keadaan baru lepas exam dan enjoy-enjoy sekejap di Cairo kemudian terus fly ke France. Pulang je dari France terus kena angkut ke Hurghada. Fuh.

Before aku ke France, actually banyak perkara yang dah berlaku. Banyak kawan yang baru aku jumpa. Banyak pengalaman baru yang belum pernah aku alami pun berlaku.

I guess, it was the time that I should learn how to accept one's weakness and learn how to overcome those with the strength within me.

Or, maybe I should learn to not pay attention to simple matters that supposedly not affect me at all. Ignorant.

p/s : Does anybody knows what COUGAR means?

Ja ne.

Being myself doesn't matter anymore.

Assalamualaikum.

Aku di dalam krisis membenci diri sendiri. Bukan completely benci. Cuma aku benci beberapa benda yang ada dalam diri aku.

Aku sangat cepat percaya pada kata-kata orang, which is why I'm always being fooled by some people. And I hate it when people take this advantage to lie to me and play with my heart.  But, I can't help it. It is my nature.

Aku jujur pada orang lain. Yeah, there's someone that loves me for being honest, but there were others that didn't. I will honestly tell stories to the person I'm comfortable with. But then, sometimes my words could hurt them unintentionally. Is it my fault for being truthful when talking and giving advice?

Ni yang paling aku tak dapat halang. Aku tersangat mudah memaafkan orang. And bila aku dah maafkan orang tu, aku tak serik untuk kembali seperti biasa dengannya. Ya, bukanlah salah untuk mudah memaafkan, tapi sometimes it hurts me bila kesalahan tu diulang berkali-kali.

Apabila aku mudah memaafkan, aku akan mudah memberi peluang kedua ketiga keempat keberapa kali. Tapi malangnya bila ada seseorang yang tak pernah menghargai peluang yang aku beri. Aku sangat sangat lah pantang apabila dia over confident yang aku akan keep giving him/her more chances and keep playing with me like a toy. Don't wait until the time when I left, and I won't turn back anymore, then you will start to regret. Don't.

I can't say when I hate it then I will stop it. I can't stop being like this for no reason. I hate being hypocrite. I hate to act tough when I'm not. I hate hiding my anger, I hate lies, I hate dishonesty.

Maybe I might stop being myself for a while, even though it felt lonely sometimes.

Its the first time I ever felt this lonely
I wish someone could cure this pain
Its funny when you think its gonna work out
Til you chose weed over me, you're so lame
I thought you were cool until the point
But up until the point you didnt call me
When you said you would
I finally figured out youre all the same
Always coming up with some kind of story

Everytime I try to make you smile
You're always feeling sorry for yourself
Everytime I try to make you laugh
You can't
Youre too tough
You think you're loveless
Is that too much that I'm asking for?

I thought you'd come around when I ignored you
So I thought you'd have the decency to change
But babe, I guess you didn't take that warning
'Cause I'm not about to look at your face again

Can't you see that you lie to yourself
You can't see the world through a mirror
It wont be too late when the smoke clears
'Cause I, I am still here

But everytime I try to make you smile
You'd always grow up feeling sorry for yourself
Everytime I try to make you laugh
You stand like a stone
Alone in your zone
Is it too much that I'm asking for?

Yeah yeah yeah yeah
Can't find where i am
Lying here
Alone I fear
Afraid of the dark
No one to claim
Alone again

Can't you see that you lie to yourself
You can't see the world through a mirror
It wont be too late when the smoke clears
'Cause I, I am still here

Everytime I try to make you smile
You're always feeling sorry for yourself
Everytime I try to make you laugh
You can't
You're too tough
You think you're loveless
It was too much that I'm asking for?

I'm sorry, if I did wrong. This is all I could do to keep things back to it's place.

Ja ne.

Today will be the last time, and I will...

Assalamualaikum~

Aku sedang menunggu air sedang dipanaskan. Sambil-sambil tu aku mendengar music di Ipod ku. Lagu Pussycat Dolls - I Hate This Part sedang menusuk menggegarkan gegendang telingaku lalu menyalurkan gegaran tersebut kepada tiga tulang-tulang kecil didalamnya, lalu tersalur ke cochlea, dan terus menuju ke otakku melalui saraf-sarafnya yang berselirat. Ciptaan Allah itu terlalu kompleks, baru ilmu sedikit tentang anatomy telinga, belum lagi tentang anggota pancaindera yang lain.

Air panas sudah siap masak lalu ku tuang ke dalam mug besar pemberian Sara temanku dari Mansoura yang dibelinya dari UK. Agaknya bilalah akan aku jejak tanah itu? Nantikan. :) Lalu aku kacau nescafe Gold bersama coffeemate. I'm going to pull out the night because I have Restorative Dentistry mid term exam tomorrow. Actually aku sepatutnya mula revise dari pagi tadi, but something has cropped out and I wasn't be able to start it yet. Dan sekarang maybe I will get through it somehow.

I really hate to pretend my own feelings, but somehow, I did it for the sake of someone. And now I found out THAT someone, really doesn't care anymore. Hati aku terasa sangat-sangat sakit. Tak dapat dibayangkan oleh akal warasku. Benda yang aku dah berikan dengan elok-elok kepadanya, sekarang benda tu dikembalikan dengan keadaan rosak yang tak dapat dibaiki lagi. Dan aku telah kehilangan benda itu.

Mungkin kamu dah dapat kebahagiaan yang kamu cari, lalu kamu campak benda yang telah aku berikan kepada kamu dengan tanpa perasaan. Mungkin juga kamu tak tahu, yang aku bukannya robot, tak berperasaan. Aku yang tak pernah cuba untuk membenci kamu, kamu berjaya merubah situasi itu. Aku yang tak pernah berhenti berusaha ke arah kamu, tapi akhirnya kamu berpaling daripada aku. Baiklah, aku akhirnya faham, kamu sememangnya sudah berhenti memberi peluang kepada aku, sudah berhenti percaya kepadaku dan sudah letih untuk setia kepada aku lagi. Inilah yang kamu nak daripada aku kan? Supaya aku lepaskan kamu.

Baiklah, aku lepaskan kamu. Terbanglah ke mana saja yang kamu mahu. Cuma pesanan aku, please please please, hidup dengan lebih gembira lepas ni, kerana aku akan sangat sangat sangat menyesal kerana lepaskan kamu jika kamu hidup dengan sebaliknya. Kerana aku terlalu sayangkan kamu. And I can no longer hold you back, because I see that you've found someone that makes you happier, bukan diriku. Dan bila aku sangat perlukan kamu, kamu abaikan semuanya. Dan satu lagi pesanan untuk kamu, don't do what you did to me, to another woman you love. Because it hurts well.

Air nescafe tadi sudah habis aku minum sambil-sambil menaip entry ini. Dan selepas ni aku akan mula membuka buku, revise setakat mana aku mampu sehingga pagi esok. Harap Tuhan bukakan pintu ingatan aku. Dan aku berharap agar aku dapat lupakan perasaan ini terhadap kamu, kerana kamu tak pernah nak hargainya.

Never mind I'll find someone like you, I wish nothing but the best for you, Don't forget me I beg, I remember you said, Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead... (Someone Like You - Adele)

Yeah, lagu ini sedang dimainkan dalam Ipod. Aku takkan jumpa lagi seseorang seperti kamu. Kamu yang pendiam, kamu yang tenang, kamu yang punyai senyuman dari syurga, kamu yang aku sayang. Time will always heals the pain. And for the last time, I really write this from the bottom of my heart, I love you, AAR.

P/S : Hari ni 7 January birthday ex-boyfriend aku, and I finally called him after about 10 months after the last time we met. Happy Birthday Mr.Farizz. Hope you will achieve your dreams, stands still and don't fall. The best thing about you, you never change, and me either. And the best thing about us, we're still friends and moving on, right? :)

Ja ne.

Rahsia Gerakan Jari Tangan.

Assalamualaikum~

17.47 PM.

Aku baru selesai solat maghrib dan usha-usha fb. Lepas tu melompat pula ke alam blog. Tiba-tiba aku terjumpa satu entry yang aku agak tertarik and nak share.

Rahsia gerakan jari tangan.

1. Memicit atau memegang hidung : Seseorang yang tak mudah tertipu dan sangat berwaspada dalam apa yg dilakukan. Seseorang yang pemalu dan sukar untuk berkongsi rahsia besar dengan orang lain kecuali orang yang benar-benar dipercayai. Dari segi perbelanjaan, mereka sangat bercitarasa tinggi dan juga boros. Tak pandai berjimat dan terlalu mengikut rasa.

 
2. Meletak tangan pada bahu kawan : Seorang yang degil dan suka ikut kepala sendiri atau seorang yang pentingkan diri sendiri. Tetapi mereka adalah teman yang sangat mengambil berat dan prihatin terhadap masalah yang dihadapi teman-teman lain. Seorang yang suka membantu dan mudah untuk berurusan dengan mereka.

3. Bermain dengan jari-jarinya : Mereka mempunyai tahap humor yang tinggi dan pandai berjenaka. Seorang yang bersikap terbuka dan dapat menerima kritikan atau pandangan tanpa mengambil hati. Namun, mereka seorang yang lambat menerima arahan dan sambil lewa. Tetapi mereka sangat baik hati dan rajin.

4. Mematahkan jari-jemarinya : Mereka suka mematahkn jari-jari dan suka mengeluarkan macam-macam bunyi seperti mengetuk meja dan sebagainya. Mereka sebenarnya seorang yang gugup dan kurang yakin untuk berbicara dengan orang lain. Namun mereka seorang yang adil, baik hati dan sedia membantu sesiapa sahaja.

5. Menggigit kuku : Mereka seorang yang kelam kabut. Tidak pandai menguruskan masa dan sering pelupa. Selain itu mereka sering dilihat gementar dan gugup apabila berbicara. Mereka juga agak perahsia orangnya.

 
6. Bermain dengan rambut dan memintal hujung rambut : Mereka seorang yang sangat suka berkhayal, dan suka meminta-minta. Apabila permintaan tidak dipenuhi, mulalah nak merajuk. Selain itu mereka sebenarnya sukar untuk dipengaruhi kerana mereka ada pendirian yang tetap dan agak keras kepala.

7. Menongkat dagu : Dia adalah seorang pendengar yang setia dan jangan risau kerana rahsia selamat ditangannya. Mereka juga sangat setia dalam persahabatan, namun mereka ini cepat bosan dengan sesuatu dan agak kedekut sedikit. Mungkin juga mereka seorg yang berjimat-cermat.

8. Suka meletakkan tangan di atas meja : Mereka seorang yang "happy go lucky" dan pandai menyesuaikan diri dengan keadaan. Mereka seorang yang "cool" dan jarang sekali nampak mereka marah atau panas baran. Mereka amat disenangi ramai dan seorang yang peramah. Namun, mereka juga agak suka bergantung pada orang lain dan tidak pandai berdikari.

9. Menggosok-gosok tapak tangan : Ramah dan berfikiran matang, itulah diri mereka sebenar. Mereka seorang yang berterus-terang dan tak suka berbohong. Mereka juga mudah memahami perasaan orang lain dan suka membantu. Prihatin juga adalah sebahagian dari sikap mereka.

10. Memutar cincin : Sangat menepati janji. Jangan sesekali mengingkari janji dengan mereka kerana kamu mungkin dimarahi. Mereka seorang yang suka cakap lepas dan jarang memikirkan perasaan orang lain. Mereka juga menggemari hidup yang teratur dan seorang yang tegas. Namun mereka senang dipujuk dan lembut hati. Mereka tidak suka orang yang putar-belit dan pembohong.
 

 source : http://sayafiza.blogspot.com/

Oh, kalau orang tu suka picit hidung orang lain pulak macam mane? Seriously, aku sangat sangat sangat rindu kamu. Kamu yang suka picit hidung aku. Sakit tahu? Tapi kamu comel. :)

 Ja ne ! ;)