Nothing Box and Hurricanes.

Assalamualaikum.

I've read somewhere in social media about how men and women differs in the way they thinks. It says that in men's brain, they put everything in different boxes. They have the box for their parents, study, friends, lover, money..etc. So when talking with men about one box, you should not touch another box until it settled first. 

Unfortunately, men have this particular favourite box which women really hate. It's the 'Nothing' box. Do you ever experience of having to watch your man just laying on the couch for several hours, doing nothing, and when you're nagging them, they just listening without saying anything. Literally, they do nothing, think about nothing. And women really hate when they start to sit in this 'Nothing' box. 

When it comes to women, their brain are like wires which connects everything together. There are always a connection to everything. That is why women will touch every boxes in men's head because they will think that there are connections in everything. It sounds too real, right?

But I think, I do have the 'Nothing' box in between the wires in my head. It is because this is how I am now. In these past few days, I've been laying in bed for hours doing nothing. Losing appetite, watching the ceiling continuously, that is how I am. Just listening to my own heartbeat. But in my head, there are hurricanes and storms happening. All wires are stuck, blocking all my senses. 

I don't know what is really happening to me. 

Ja ne.

Kimmy Ai is currently listening to : Jason Lo - Operator, The Line Is Dead.

But now I found you different 

You broke up all the walls in my head

Please don't go

Let me go

                       

Aidilfitri 1435H.

Assalamualaikum. 

It's the last day of Ramadhan 1435 H. I'm still feeling unwell due to moderate fever and running nose. So I'm now in my hometown, gave a big surprise to my mom with my presence this Aidilfitri. I feel like Its a waste if I don't celebrate with her this year. It feels like this will be the last Aidilfitri for us. Well, everytime I had this kind of feeling. Makin besar, makin rasa insecure and negative thinking always disturbs me. 

In spite of that, I still prepare for celebrating Aidilfitri moderately. I bought 2 new clothes, a yellow colored Baju Kurung and a purple maxi dress. Lebih daripada cukup dah tu. This year, I will try to change my style a little bit, more to the brave and elegant style. Last year, emmm I basically forgot my own style hahaha. 

I found my new fashion inspiration icon which I came across in Instagram named Indah Nada Puspita. She is incredibly beautiful, her fashion sense is perfect. She's brave enough to try different styles on her, which attracts me everytime. But eventhough she's my fashion icon it doesn't mean that I will follow her style completely. I have my own principle in my dressing. I love wearing simple thing and it shows my personality well.

Okey, back to the Aidilfitri mood. This year, yeah like every year before, we will have Laksa Penang as the main juadah for the first Syawal. My mom never fails preparing it since I started to remember. I will drive her to our second home at Kampung Batu Tiong, Dungun where all of my mom's remaining siblings reside.

I don't know if I'll have the chance to meet my father this Raya. I wish my I can meet him at least once before I went back to Egypt soon. 

Last but not least, I hope that I will still have a long life to celebrate Ramadhan and Aidilfitri with my family for the next yearsss from now. 

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri Maaf Zahir & Batin.

Ja ne.

Kimmy Ai is currently listening to : Linkin Park - Leave Out All The Rest

When my time comes

Forget the wrong that I've done

Help me leave behind some

Reasons to be missed

And don't resent me

And when you're feeling empty

Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest

Leave out all the rest

Don't be afraid

I've taken my beating

I've shared what I've made

I'm strong on the surface

Not all the way through

I've never been perfect

But neither have you

So if you're asking me

I want you to know

Deep Heart.

iAssalamualaikum.

What a long hiatus. About one year after my last post. Seems like I already dead from the blogging world. No. I'm still missing to write here. It's just that the timing didn't coincide with my mood. Only few people understand what I mean, haha!

I already finished the final exams of the final year. It was a tough year for me. Time is running like a horse this season. With tough syllabus and practical skills. And while I have to keep my brain intact without stress. It's hard to control myself with my special ability. It's like you want to do more with your strength and there's just something that chained you down. So I decided to not work too much stress in me, and play low and safe. 

So last night I went to Iftaar at Zara's place with Madihah, Tyra, Sumayyah, Suraya, Zati. It's a special day that I got the chance to meet Zara's mom, which I've met before when me and Zara were housemates. And I met old friend Munira which i haven't seen her for quite awhile. And we started sharing stories about ourselves. 

And then it started when I open the story of myself. I told them how I describe people in my own way. I don't know that the way I describe people is very different from others did. I describe people based on a story captured inside my memory. Like for an example, if someone asking me to describe my friendship with Zara, I will say, she is someone that held my hand and walked together when we were going back from school in the middle of the spring like, 3 years ago. Then Munira said I'm deep. And she was like superficial that she describes Zara in one word : Cool. 

I'm like, I don't know how to describe someone with one word. Because I have this personality of having my feelings attached to everything that I care. Even if its an iron. Yesterday I when I was geting ready to go out, I found out that the iron was broke. And I'm feeling sad about it. I don't know if it is normal or I'm just quite different from people. But I know one thing about myself. I have a big heart. Yes. Thank you. 

And we talked about how I open my heart a chance to accept a person which I never liked before, and they say, "You're too kind to give people chance!" But, I don't know, I just think that everyone deserves a chance to be dear to me. I believe in "What you give, you'll get it back" in everything I do. I give people a chance so that one day I'll get it too when I need it. Eventhough at a very first impression I was not moved at all to the person, but then I try to give a chance to hear, see and feel more about them, and I will get the real idea about them. I don't judge, I feel them. I will always try to see the good in everyone. Because I want to be treated the same way or maybe better. And I don't want to regret later if I missed someone that as great as I'll never came across again in my lifetime. 

So they described me in one word : Deep. Yeah, I know I'm deep and I will always be like this forever. And I love myself for being like this. It is like a treatment for my heart so that I'll never think negative of things. 

How I describe myself in one word : A Crybaby. I always am. :)

        

Kimmy Ai is listening to : Let Her Go - Passenger

"You only need the lights when its burning low,

You only miss the sun when it starts to snow,

You only know you've been high when you're feeling low,

You only hit the road when you're missing home,

You only know you love her when you let her go."

Salam Ramadhan. Ja ne. 

F**k Technologies!

Assalamualaikum.

About the free laptop for primary school students, I kindly disagree because I saw these two devils always play games and not study at all. Seriously, during my time, I didn't know what is Zuma Deluxe, Plants vs Zombies, etc, etc.

What I'd played when I was a kid, catching lizards and burn them with fire crackers, play masak-masak with real fire, stones, leaves and my mom's periuk lama, catching a kind of insect that we called 'kunyit' (I don't know their scientific name) and tied their tiny leg with benang and let it fly like flying a kite, and also I do played kites and 'wau' with my brother, play 'bola katok' (like baseball), building forts out of big cushions and 'selimut',  'buah getah', 'bola tin', 'baling selipar', hide and seek, jump into the river near my house, fishing, and also playing with leeches, snails and many tiny creatures. What I want to say is, we're out of technologies. And we study in school without technologies, but we scored with flying colors.

Because we never waste our times with technologies.

Didn't they see kids nowadays wasted their times with Facebook and games, and rarely we see that they use internet for searching information and knowledge, except during making assignments. Well, there might be more useful reasons to use technologies in school and home (for kids), but I always see disadvantages. So, I still disagree.

Hmm, am I wrong or I didn't see it in the same light of yours? =3

In my hometown~

Assalamualaikum~

Sekarang aku sedang berada di katil empuk ditemani bantal busuk dan sebijik laptop. Dan juga sekotak besar koleksi komik-komik jepun dan gempakstarz yang aku kumpul sejak dari sekolah menengah. Dan tak lupa lagi, cuaca yang panas tapi diselangi hujan di petang hari. Oh, heaven!

Berbeza dengan tempat aku menimba ilmu, dengan cuaca yang bersuhu 40 darjah dan kesesakan lalulintas yang tak pernah reda dan perangai manusia yang kurang sabar. Jauh sekali perbezaannya daripada di sini.

Cuti akhir semester dijangka lebih kurang 3 bulan (actually tak sampai pun) ini aku ingin habiskan dengan waktu-waktu berkualiti sama ada di rumah ataupun di luar. Ingin aku habiskan masa bersama keluarga dan juga sahabat-sahabat lama yang masih berhubung denganku, tak lupa juga untuk orang-orang yang tersayang. InsyaAllah.

But, I'm still working to figure out what's the first thing to do right now. Yeah I'm already arrived for about two days already and still not figured it out. *sigh* I planned to take things slowly, like meeting with friends a little bit later because I still haven't had enough in home. But, somethings came up. Suddenly my mother insisting on having me take a part time job as a primary school teacher, or such. I'm not actually against it because I do want to have an experience of being a TEACHER litrerally.

This idea actually came out last night when my mother and I were looking for my niece and nephew's homework. My mother seems like having fun seeing me in trouble being with the two tiny devils helping them to finish their homework. And there's some things that made me freaked out ;

"What actually you two learned in school?"
"Why these a-piece-of-cake mathematical problem (DIVISION) and Arabic language homework seems a big trouble to you?"
"And why the heck that government nowadays gave a free laptop to all primary school students just for me to see that they play games unstoppable?"

Okay, these questions will be forwarded in the next post I fear, because I don't like mixing a few things in a post. So, I'm still thinking about taking a job as a teacher, or just playing around without any time-fixed things. Huh. Hard to decide. =.="

Ja ne!

According to you.

You can think I'm stupid.

You can say I'm full of excuses.

You can talk harshly.

You can say what you want.

You can lie as much as you like.

You can say I'm dishonest.

You can think I forget you.

You can say I put you behind my study, career and interests.

You can say I'm easy to fool.

You can say I don't know what I want.

You can say I'm shameful.

You can say I'm not gentle.

You can make the frown face as much as you want in front of me.

You can say I ignore your words.

You can think I'm playing behind your back.

You can think I'm not trustworthy.

You can say I'm hard to deal with.

You can answer my questions half-heartedly.

You can say I'm not good enough like other women.

You can think I'm a liar.

You can say I'm too full of myself.

You can say anything you like out of me.


One thing for sure,

For me, you're worth every tears and smiles you've made me.

Kiss the rain.

Assalamualaikum.

This is another post during the final exam of my pre-clinical year of Dentistry. Five papers already down, there's still six more to go. Wish me luck ya!

It is hot summer season now in Egypt. And I can't escape myself from sun burns and dryness. Its not that I hate the sun and heat. I just love rain, snow and cold better. It describes my mood perfectly.

I have some ways of describing moods and feelings by using the four seasons.

The summer is heat and dry. In some places where near the sea, there's a pleasant breeze while the sunny shines through, giving a passionate and direct feeling.

While in autumn, when looking at the scenery of falling leaves, some feeling of melancholy resides. Imagine you walking in a street lined with trees and along the street, leaves keep falling from the trees and showers you, accompanied by moderate wind, and the sound of the leaves colliding between themselves. The feeling of sadness may appear, like the feeling of those trees that lose their leaves, the feeling of losing something important.

Winter. Snow. Cold. The feeling when the small particles of the fragile crystals fall onto your lip, then melts suddenly into a drop of cold water. It is like a cold version of tears falling from the sky. The gloomy clouds, the cold winds, describes perfectly the feeling of coldness, silence, pure, white, and innocence.

As in spring, the joyness and happiness showered. It is shown by the colourful flowers coming out of various plants. Giving happy feeling, and love. Like the feeling of accepting a bouquet of flowers from the person you love.

And I would like to add another season that exist throughout the year in my hometown. Its rainy season. It comes starting from November until January and it is popular being called North-East Monsoon (Monsun Timur Laut). It rains a lot too in March, June and August. I really loves rain. I love the feeling of walking under the rain without umbrellas. Nothing to fear of, nothing to care of, just letting go and let the rain wash away the uneasy feelings. And I too love the feeling of waking up realizing it was raining and then continue sleeping in the blanket. Heha, my favourite. :D

While living in this land where the amount of raindrops could be counted by fingers, makes me really miss the rain, and my homeland. Although there's winter season, but still can't compensate with the miss of the rain.

I miss you the most when thinking about the rain, because the rain reaaally describes you perfectly. ;)

Kimmy Ai is currently listening to : Hujan - Ku Mahu Kau Tahu

Di sudut termenung jauh
Mengenangkan nasib kita
Kita miliki separuh
Berbentuk hati cinta namanya

Walau kau jauh
Ku sentiasa menunggumu
Inginku imbas kembali memori
Walau kau jauh
Ku berjanji kan terus tunggu
Dipisah lautan biru
Ku mahu kau tahu
Aku kan terus menunggu

Jaga benar gambarku dalam telefon bimbitmu
Jangan pernah sekali kau buang
Seperti cinta ini yang terbuku
Akan bersemi jua

Terus menunggu
Kita kan bersatu
Terus menunggu
Ku mahu kau tahu

Soul of Studying.

Assalamualaikum.

Actually, there's no purpose of me writing today. I was supposed to read Prosthodontics as the exam will be on Wednesday but it seems like I don't step on the right mood to face those books. *sigh*

There are several things that ruins my peaceful state of mind. Don't know how to get rid of them. *sigh again*

But, thinking of how far I've been through this torture of stu-DIE-ing, it's been a while since I have a reason to put a goal to the game. I had it once during my SPM, and I achieved it even though it was bloody hard. But, since then, I had no idea why I stopped working hard. The same goes when I was in matriculation. Although I have a quite big, rigid reason why I should put 4 Flat in my pocket, then again, I made it fell into the trash can, rather than my own pocket.

Then I came here. Still the same did happen. I know I'm a person who lacks motivation in studying. It's not hard to change, but my heart didn't allow me to. It's freaking ironic, but I myself hated the lack-of-motivation-and-enjoyable ME. I actually hate looking at those paranoid students who had no live to spend on but studying. "They should open their mind to another things too! There're so many important things you should take care of rather than just make love with those books!" *Ehem, pardon my retard brain*

Then again, I didn't play too much, yet didn't study like dying too. I love to play safe. BUT, I know that's a dangerous thing to do. You'll never know when the hurricanes will come, you'll never know when the earthquakes will strike. I too, would love to play with something dangerous and risky.

Until one day, someone did successfully hit my comfort zone. That one really did toss my calm side. That person really put thunders and storms inside my brain. The one that can shake my ego. Wait, since when did I have the ego? Yes, since I met that person I learned that I too have the ego in myself. That person too made my head spinning and my heart to ponder. It makes me realize that there's such a person who would make my world upside down actually exists. The person that makes me FINALLY revived the soul of studying that have been kept frozen in the depth of the ocean of my heart.

And then, why did only this person? Why did not another people can do this? Why this freaking person? *sigh*

To that person, you dare to pull the soul out, but don't you dare to play with it and turn it down again. It's hard for me to deal with this itchy feeling that makes me want to pull the nerve out when facing exams (which I usually never felt nervous in any exams before). And I dare you to put up with my calmness. I might kill you with my silence.

Okay, done writing. Now let's give this book some 'lessons'. Heh.

Kimmy Ai is currently listening to : Someday I Will Understand - Britney Spears

2 10 11

Assalamualaikum~

Final Exam will start on 6th May until 18th June. Haih. God, please help me to remember all that I've read. :)

It's 2nd May. It's been 7 months already. The memories of me looking in those eyes still fresh. It felt like we've parted since just yesterday. But time flies faster than I thought. Time moves, distance kept, and memories never faded.

I still remember his distant eyes. Like he's in another world of his. In that place, I only watched him being silent. He rarely talks; rarely smiles either. But I'm comfortable with him being like that. As he walks slow, I watched contently. I really don't wanna miss any sight from him. I want to remember his every actions as much as I can, because I know we'll be separated.

His beautiful eyes, captured my sight. His height, makes me wants to stand tall. His soft acts makes me feel warmed.

Thinking about him makes my heart wants to explode. 

Yes, I remembered everything about him. But, does he remembers it too?
 

Surat Cinta Buatmu Ibu

Assalamualaikum. :)

Kehadapan mak yang sentiasa diingati dan dirindui.

Apakah khabarmu disana? Anakmu ini masih seperti biasa. Masih mencari-cari erti 'Manusia' yang sebenar. Walaupun anakmu jarang menyampaikan khabar berita dek kerana jauhnya perbezaan jarak dan masa, tidak pernah sesekali anakmu lupa akan kewujudanmu.

Anak selalu tahu yang mak sangat merindukan anakmu ini. Anak harap mak dapat bersabar menghitung hari. Sudah tidak terlalu lama untuk anak kembali dari medan perang. Anak mohon doa daripadamu mak, semoga anak dapat pulang dari peperangan ini dengan kejayaan. Sesungguhnya anak sangat percaya di setiap kejayaan yang anak perolehi, semuanya hasil doamu yang dimakbulkan Allah. Sungguh, Allah sangat menyayangimu mak. Anak tau itu.

Apakah buatmu disana? Sunyikah tidurmu sendiri, mak? Masihkah tangan lembutmu gagah menggalas tugas seorang ibu? Memandangkan anak sudah meningkat dewasa, sudah semakin kurang beban yang ditanggung oleh mak. Akan tetapi, anak sedar kerisauan yang mak tanggung makin bertambah seiring dengan umur anakmu ini. Apakah khabarku disini, cukupkah makanku disini, selamatkah tempat tinggalku disini, dan macam-macam lagi kerisauan yang sering bermain difikiran mak.

Mak, anak mohon keampunan dari mu, andai kata anak terkasar bahasa, tersilap perbuatan. Anak sedar, yang mak tau akan kedegilan anakmu ini. Kedegilan yang teramat, tapi masih belum melampaui batas. Anak harap suatu hari nanti mak faham perasaan anak. Seandainya mak tahu apakah sebenarnya impian anak, pasti mak akan menangis kerana tidak mampu menunaikan impian anak, kerana sudah takdirnya Allah jadikan anak seorang perempuan.

Anak sebenarnya sangat ingin dilahirkan menjadi lelaki, kerana anak ingin berbakti kepada mak sampai mati. Anak takkan teringin untuk belajar jauh-jauh. Anak akan sentiasa berada di sisi mak untuk melindungi dan membantu mak. Anak tak kisah jika belajar tak tinggi tapi anak kisah jikalau anak tak dapat membantu mak walau sikit pun. Kerana anak tau apa yang mak rasakan selama ini. Anak tau mak berpura-pura gagah, mak berpura-pura tabah, supaya tidak terlihat oleh anak-anak akan kesedihan dan kelemahan di dalam hati mak yang paling dalam. Sebab itulah anak sangat ingin berada di sisi mak. Tapi apakan daya...

Mak, bukan anak tidak mensyukuri nikmat Tuhan. Bukan anak ingin mempersoalkan takdir yang telah Tuhan letakkan di atas hidup anak, cuma anak ingin luahkan apa yang anak rasa. Anak bersyukur kerana dijadikan sebagai seorang wanita, pastilah anak dapat memahami hati mak.

Mak, doakan kejayaan anak di sini. Anak mohon halalkan segala pengorbanan yang telah mak berikan kepada anak daripada anak dikandungkan sampailah sekarang. Halalkan makan minum anak, halalkan duit rumah dan letrik dan air yang anak gunakan, halalkan duit belanja sekolah anak, halalkan pakaian dan buku-buku pelajaran anak, halalkan minyak kereta yang mak guna untuk hantar anak ke sekolah, halalkan barang-barang yang pernah anak rosakkan, halalkan susu yang mak beri untuk anak, halalkan tempat rahim mak yang anak tumpang tinggal selama 9 bulan, halalkan segala kerahan tenaga dan peluh yang mak keluarkan ketika menjaga anak, halalkan segala air mata yang mak keluarkan ketika menjaga anak semasa anak terlantar sakit dulu, dan halalkan setiap segala yang menyusahkan mak sepanjang kewujudan anak.

Terima kasih mak kerana menjaga anak sampai sekarang. Anak sangat bersyukur dan bangga punyai seorang ibu seperti mak. Anak sayangkan mak. Terima kasih, mak.

Anak.

A Complete Loser Like Me.

Hey, wake up. 

Get a grip on yourself.

You know you have nobody on your side. 

A complete loner.

A LOSER.

Revenge? 

Don't utter even a word about revenge when you can't even get a grip on yourself. 

You're too depending on your heart.

Later it will turn your life into disaster. 

You can go on, assuming that you've woke up, turning 180 degrees from your will.

But that's not enough. 

You didn't froze your heart.

Because you really don't know that you're standing near a cliff.

Anytime you can fall off the cliff.

They love it when you cry.

They happy seeing you down.

Behind their sweet smile lies beneath their hatred towards you.

Yes, they're jealous.

Huh, you already know right?

But why you let yourself still?

Why don't you defend yourself?

It is your fault.

Because you didn't froze your heart.

You keeps giving all your useless heart towards them.

To put in a simple word, you care others hearts more than your own. 

A stupid person will always do that.

You're the stupid one.

Really, nobody's on your side now.

Because you keeps lying behind them. 

Why did you lie? 

Why turn yourself a bad person when you're not?

Ah, actually you're already tired of acting tough lately, no?

You're tired of being seen as an independent woman where you can do anything you want without any help.

Seeing a tough person down, haha, that's the most amusement thing to look forward to.

You know that too, right?

You should take care of yourself more.

Burn all those black memories.

You should learn to ignore those whom ignored you.

You should stop giving too much when what you get was only disappointment.

You should start to love yourself more. 

Learn to say no, when they ask what you can't.

Learn to say stop, when they continue making the fool out of you.

Learn to smile a lot, when they're getting on your nerve.

Then wake up and fight.

You have nothing to lose. You have nobody to lose.

You are actually have nothing.

You're just always lucky, the luck charm always with you. 

Your mother's prayer, that is.

You should know that you will lose everything sooner or later.

So don't have any regret to fight.

You are too good to be called a loser.

You know you're the chosen one to feel all these tests.

You're very special.

Don't let someone unworthy take you down easily.

You know you're strong. 

If not, you wouldn't dare to spit on yourself right now. 

You should put more effort.

You should turn 360 degrees around.

Have a look at their hateful faces.

Remember to always keep your smile on.

Let them know who they're picking on.

Don't let them call you LOSER anymore.
You know you're not.